THIRTY-FOUR

1989

Friends/Family:
Gary, Scott, Deluxe Friends
In November 1989, Gary and I broke up. It was the worse day of my life. I had spent 10 years with him and I thought my life would never be the same. I still do not know what happened. I have not been able to make sense of why it ended. But it did.
In March of that same year, Gary's father died. He battled cancer for two years. I am not sure why I got this role but I learned how to give LeRoy his morphine. He wanted to die at home so a hospice nurse talked with us about making the environment as comfortable as possible. Even though there were six kids, it was too difficult for them to give LeRoy his shots so the nurse showed me. I practiced on an orange until I felt comfortable. From then on I gave LeRoy his shots.
Often he would wake up and want to know what day it was. We would always tell him. That night I went home and made a large calendar for him. On the current day I put a star. When he woke up that day, he looked over at me and said, "Oh, hello" and said my name. He was very clear which was unusual for he was typically out of it. He wanted to sit up and I showed him the calendar. He loved it and could see what day it was. He was having a moment of profound clarity. But soon he slipped back into a sleep and quickly started wincing in pain. The nurse came in and said I should give him a shot. She also said that it might be his last. I cried as I prepared the syringe. I gave him his shot and he settled down and then passed away.
Actually, in doing this, I now know. I know why but I just did not want to address it. It shows up in the earlier years. Actions at home caused reactions elsewhere. I just did not look at it close enough to realize the "reaction" contributed to the demise. Interesting how we can block things out. It started during my college days (83) but I think Life just got too big for Gary and I. We did not know how to deal with his father's death. We did not know how to talk about it. We did not know how to talk. Gary was mourning, as was I, but not being family, he did not think that I should feel the same way. And in general, we did not have the tools to put our lives back together again. Something was missing and coupled with this loss, there was no turning back.
I remember taking this picture. Scott was trying to cheer me up at work in the Deluxe studio. I was sad and he always made me realize that I had great friends and that this too shall pass. He was and still is a great friend. Thank God for staying in touch through Facebook. I love you Scott...

In history, this happened: 1989
http://www.infoplease.com/year/1989.html